I have not come this far to only come this far.

It’s official. I bought singlets and wrestling shoes.

Not for my son, but for me.

“I have not come this far to only come this far”

That seems to be my mantra now. To be honest I am terrified.

  1. Terrified of not making weight.
  2. Terrified of making weight.
  3. Terrified of getting back on the mat.
  4. Terrified of losing.
  5. Terrified of winning.
  6. Terrified of making an ass of myself.
  7. Terrified of being a national champ and/or a world champ.
  8. Terrified of letting everyone that believes in me down.

But when it boils down to it I have to remember to not fear failure, but be terrified of regret.

I have never felt more alive than I have in the last 6 weeks. I was down to roughly 319lbs this past Friday. That’s insane considering I was 350 at the beginning of January and almost 370 last June.

I think the only thing that’s more insane than the fact I have to be 286.6 by March 14th is the fact that I honestly believe I can do it. I am pissed at myself that I am doing it now when I should have never let myself get in this situation. If I had the drive and determination, that I have now, when I was a younger dumber version of me…. I could have been unstoppable.

You have to have a “why”.

When I was younger I allowed myself to fail because my “why” wasn’t big enough.

Your “why” has to be bigger than the excuses you use to allow yourself to fail.

It took me waaaay to long to find my “why”.

The funny thing? My “why” has nothing to do with wrestling and everything to do with “life”.

My “why” is 3 pairs of eyes that look at me everyday when I get home and “hey Dad” me to death about the coolest stuff and the stupidest stuff in the same breath. The 3 pairs of eyes that I have to set an example for that nothing is out of your reach if you just get the damn stool and elevate yourself. The 3 pairs of eyes that I refuse to leave on this earth without a father due to having a heart attack at 45.

It started with me going back to school to better myself. I couldn’t possibly preach, “Go to school and get your college education.” If I did not have mine.

It continues with creating a healthier better version of myself so I can speak to my 13 year old about how he should be more active so he doesn’t wind up like his dad.

Many of us have goals we’re trying to achieve, but the person we are right now is not the person we need to be when we cross the finish line to our dreams.

“Success is found right outside your comfort zone.”

I won’t be the most talented wrestler every time I step on the mat, but I will be the most hungry and that’s what is going to make me the most dangerous.

Remembering Joe Seay


I was just going through some of my old wrestling stuff. I found my old red/blue reversible lowwwww cut singlet for greco from 1998 😉 and I found my old sz 12 wrestling shoes that I can’t even begin to fit anymore. The reason I have kept onto these 22 year old ADIDAS shoes is because they are very special to me. Both sides of both shoes have been signed by Joe Seay.

My high school coach was a Sunkist Kid and wrestled for him back in the day. We got to go to all kinds of clinics that were ran by him when I lived in Southern Cali. I also have fond memories to going out to eat with Joe and eating at his house from time to time.

My best memory was how he taught legal pain. That’s how I wrestled and how I still wrestle. I make it a point that people I wrestle remember me. He brought me up in front of an entire clinic and put me in a cradle. I was 5’10” 190lbs and 9% body fat and this ~60 year old man put me in a cradle that I COULD NOT get out of. He made me repeat after him before he would release me and he had that cradle so damn tight that I just repeated what I heard without thinking.

So somewhere there is a VHS tape of me being cradled by Joe Seay saying “I. sit. to. pee.”

I love my life.

I am a wrestler


It is manifest in my heartbeat in the long hours and sacred silent minutes before every match. It stabs me like the pangs of hunger during fasts breeding discipline of body, strength of mind, and fortitude of soul.

It’s overcome when I introduce my opponent’s face to the mat, to its texture and smell; softened and intensified over the course of a thousand training sessions and through the absorption of gallons of human sweat.

In the world’s oldest sport, all questions about fear and determination are addressed in the exact moments when in my opponent’s eyes I clearly read that knees – or heart – will fold. They are answered beyond any shadow of doubt when I squeeze the lock and score a fall.

I will not weaken, for the only way I can become a champion is to welcome and endure that which I fear most – the possibility of being beaten – by seasoned teammates one day, and by unknown foes in foreign gyms the next.

After hours, days, and weeks of willing myself into the house of painful repetition, the bruises begin to fade. Quads burn less. Pain enters more slowly as body and mind are hardened, reconstructed, and refined. In the end, stepping out of the circle with arms raised in victory is not about outside obstacles, nameless opponents, or even the taste of my own blood. It’s about confronting my own pain, and through this, exceeding my own potential. It’s about transforming anxiousness into power.

It’s about me.

Family, coaches, teammates: I cherish their support. But on the mat, there are no kinships except with the mat itself.

Here, I must be, more than anything, Out For One.”

*This quote has been borrowed (and edited for grammar) from oldschoolathletics.com It rings true and I thought I had to share it with the world.

I can not let my procrastination get the best of me.

Here I am, exactly 6 months after talking with my son’s and my wrestling coach. I’ve lost 30lbs. Yay me. Too bad it’s nowhere near where I need to be right now. I am going to have to take drastic measures if I am going to be able to wrestle heavyweight this upcoming March, April and May at 286.5lbs. I weight around 350 right now. Math and the way we lose fat dictates that my life is going to be miserable the next 4 months if I am to be where I want to be.

Back to the whole, “I am wrestling again!” thing.

That’s right, I have started wrestling again. There’s may reasons at 39 years old why I do the things I do. I have a 17 month old boy (yeah I know) and I have to be healthy for him. I do not want to die from a heart attack. I want my son to have a father growing up. I also have a 16 year old that is a hell of a wrestler and I want to be able to roll with him and not be tired after 2 minutes. We make each other better. I make him stronger and he makes me faster.

The next two weeks will be spent finding a gym where I can pay to force myself to work out. In the meantime I have committed to doing something to keep my ass accountable to everyone that believes in me, from my family to my Coach and Team USA member Aaron Johnson. I will be recording my workouts I do in a journal and on here for everyone to see.

This is my journey and I hope you are along for the ride. It will be unadulterated and real. I’m going to be cutting my caloric intake significantly and working out 3-5 times a week or more. I have 4.5 months to reach my goal weight. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not, but neither is the way I’ve been living. I’m not in terrible health yet. My blood pressure is borderline high, my glucose is borderline high, my feet and back hurt.

It’s time I took back my life and make sure I am here for my family for the next 40 years.